Place: Hollywood YMCA
Celeb: Billy Bob Thornton


At an early age, my North Korean parents were forced by an unnamed dictator to implant a chip with facial recognition software preloaded into my cerebral cortex. This has allowed me to identify in an almost pathologically obsessive way, facial characteristics unique to a person irregardless of their age, context, facial hair, etc.

In this case, BBT was elusive by donning a cap and tinted glasses. His stature was also unexpectedly average but are we not usually surprised how celebs' real-life statures pale in comparison to their 50 foot projected images in the Cineplex? It was the day after Christmas and the gym was sparse. What Billy-Bob, you think you can sneak in a workout in your "disguise" and pretend to be one of the "normals?" If you're so normal, why are you averting my very discreet gaze, Bad Santa?!

It pisses me off when these A-List celebs think they can mingle in the mainstream unscathed and actually pull it off in L.A. because everyone's incestuously attached to the Entertainment Industry in some primary, secondary, or tertiary manner or just because we're all too cool to show any gush. Your free ride today is really a mirror held up to each of us, exposing us for the cool poseurs that we are. You are the silent gods that walk amongst us unrecognized by our conceit and counterfeit calm while beneath lay a tumult that toil and deliberate to release or repress the collective urgings to shout out with craven lust "Hey, you were awesome in that movie!"